Resigning from the best job in the world....

In less than a week my "job" has full-time stay at home Mom will officially be done. I have had this job title for 321 days! Whenever I heard the term "Stay at home Mom' (or SAHM as I'll refer to it from here on out), I always imagined such a relaxing, comfy, carefree experience. I was VERY wrong! These last 11 months have been the best and the hardest 11 months of my life. I am so incredibly emotional about going back to school, that I wanted to get all of my feelings out about it so that I can look back and know that it will all be okay. On October 5th at around 4:30am I woke up to a pain in my stomach. I thought I really had to use the bathroom but decided to try to sleep it away. That didn't work. Almost exactly 12 hours later, my little miracle was born. I cried hysterically when they placed him on my chest. I'll never forget when my husband looked at me and back at the baby and then at me and said, "He's here! He's here!". I was a Mommy. It was surreal.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day and cherish every minute. I was so tired, sore, and felt so "out of my body" that it's really hard to remember a lot about my time in the hospital. The first few weeks of Andrew's life were the hardest of them all. My poor little man had terrible reflux. We tried different formulas, medications, and I spent endless hours of my day crying along with my new baby boy. If I could change one thing about those first few weeks, it would definitel be the amount of help I denied. I wanted so badly to be "Supermom" and I didn't let anyone help me. I even pushed my husband to return to work not even a week after Andrew was born. He works 16 hour days and I was in a state where I had no family. When he would leave in the morning, I would hold the baby and cry knowing I wouldn't see a sole until 10pm that night. I wish I didnt have those memories because they make me feel like I didn't appreciate my time with my baby. But I really did. I wish I could explain the lost feeling I had, where I didn't even understand what my role was or how my day was supposed to go. But even through so many tears (Andrew and I both) there are the little moments that I remember that make me cry so much because I miss them. Taking Andrew out of his bassinet and laying him with me. I loved when our noses touched. Or just snuggling him on the couch. Watching him sleep was so peaceful.

11 months.....days where I thought there was just no way I could do this and days where I wanted 5 more kids. Andrew and I spent hours in Target, walks on the train and to the playground to watch the big kids, doing silly crafts at home, baking in the kitchen, playing with new cosignment shop toy finds, and having photoshoots daily. Watching Andrew grow has been the best job in the entire world. I cannot believe I won't get to do it 24/7 anymore. When I go to bed at night, the first thing that comes to my mind is GUILT. I feel guilt for not enjoying every minute of the last 11 months. For crying on the phone to my husband when the days were just too much to bare. Guilt for looking forward to teaching again. Guilt for leaving my baby boy with strangers at the day care. Guilt for sometimes looking forward to time to myself. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. And then I cry - and then I think about the first few weeks of Andrew's life when I cried constantly. I cried in fear that I wouldn't be a good Mommy and that he wouldn't love me, and now I cry because I worry he loves me too much and will miss me too much. I cry because I don't know if I can be a good teacher and good Mommy. How will I juggle both? Can I do it? Will I teach one day and want to quit? I don't have the option to quit because financially I have to work. So was it wrong to have a baby if I couldn't financially afford to stay home with him? These are all the reasons why I don't fall asleep for hours at night. . . and my husband can't understand it!

But in the morning, my mood changes. In the morning I look at Andrew and how smart he is and how happy he is, and I know that I did an amazing job these last 11 months. And I know that I am so blessed to have a job that will allow me to be with my baby boy by 3:30pm and spend entire summers, weekends, and holidays off with him. I also know that Andrew is such a happy guy and loves attention and will earn so much from being with other kids. I am just going to miss him and that's what it comes down to. We will be apart for more hours in just a week then our time together combined these last 11 months. I hope that one day he will be happy to have a Mommy who is a teacher. That's all I want - for Andrew to be happy. So I guess I will do my best to get through the first few days and take it from there....