A place of "YES"

I've decided that my pity party needs to end. On Thursday we took A to his day care to bring his sheets and things and to pay his first week's tuition. The provider saw how mobile he was and decided that he would do much better in the Toddler Room. So, down the hall we waddled into an enormous room of fun! It actually made me feel a little better, knowing that he is going to be on a schedule and BUSY. My little man is going to love being around kids. Plus, he is getting dropped off at 8 and picked up at 2 - I really can't complain about that, especially if he sleeps 2 hours while there. So, pity party over. Time to think positive for my little man! :) I am proud to announce that I am down 6 lbs since about 2 weeks ago when DH and I decided it was time to get healthy. We have been at the gym and using myfitnesspal app religiously! DH is down 15 lbs! Like I've been saying, I am determined to be thin for 30 and the clock is ticking! My thoughts are that school and a busy schedule have got to be easier than sitting around do NOTHING for weeks. I am very impressed we have been doing so well considering!

Resigning from the best job in the world....

In less than a week my "job" has full-time stay at home Mom will officially be done. I have had this job title for 321 days! Whenever I heard the term "Stay at home Mom' (or SAHM as I'll refer to it from here on out), I always imagined such a relaxing, comfy, carefree experience. I was VERY wrong! These last 11 months have been the best and the hardest 11 months of my life. I am so incredibly emotional about going back to school, that I wanted to get all of my feelings out about it so that I can look back and know that it will all be okay. On October 5th at around 4:30am I woke up to a pain in my stomach. I thought I really had to use the bathroom but decided to try to sleep it away. That didn't work. Almost exactly 12 hours later, my little miracle was born. I cried hysterically when they placed him on my chest. I'll never forget when my husband looked at me and back at the baby and then at me and said, "He's here! He's here!". I was a Mommy. It was surreal.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to that day and cherish every minute. I was so tired, sore, and felt so "out of my body" that it's really hard to remember a lot about my time in the hospital. The first few weeks of Andrew's life were the hardest of them all. My poor little man had terrible reflux. We tried different formulas, medications, and I spent endless hours of my day crying along with my new baby boy. If I could change one thing about those first few weeks, it would definitel be the amount of help I denied. I wanted so badly to be "Supermom" and I didn't let anyone help me. I even pushed my husband to return to work not even a week after Andrew was born. He works 16 hour days and I was in a state where I had no family. When he would leave in the morning, I would hold the baby and cry knowing I wouldn't see a sole until 10pm that night. I wish I didnt have those memories because they make me feel like I didn't appreciate my time with my baby. But I really did. I wish I could explain the lost feeling I had, where I didn't even understand what my role was or how my day was supposed to go. But even through so many tears (Andrew and I both) there are the little moments that I remember that make me cry so much because I miss them. Taking Andrew out of his bassinet and laying him with me. I loved when our noses touched. Or just snuggling him on the couch. Watching him sleep was so peaceful.

11 months.....days where I thought there was just no way I could do this and days where I wanted 5 more kids. Andrew and I spent hours in Target, walks on the train and to the playground to watch the big kids, doing silly crafts at home, baking in the kitchen, playing with new cosignment shop toy finds, and having photoshoots daily. Watching Andrew grow has been the best job in the entire world. I cannot believe I won't get to do it 24/7 anymore. When I go to bed at night, the first thing that comes to my mind is GUILT. I feel guilt for not enjoying every minute of the last 11 months. For crying on the phone to my husband when the days were just too much to bare. Guilt for looking forward to teaching again. Guilt for leaving my baby boy with strangers at the day care. Guilt for sometimes looking forward to time to myself. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. And then I cry - and then I think about the first few weeks of Andrew's life when I cried constantly. I cried in fear that I wouldn't be a good Mommy and that he wouldn't love me, and now I cry because I worry he loves me too much and will miss me too much. I cry because I don't know if I can be a good teacher and good Mommy. How will I juggle both? Can I do it? Will I teach one day and want to quit? I don't have the option to quit because financially I have to work. So was it wrong to have a baby if I couldn't financially afford to stay home with him? These are all the reasons why I don't fall asleep for hours at night. . . and my husband can't understand it!

But in the morning, my mood changes. In the morning I look at Andrew and how smart he is and how happy he is, and I know that I did an amazing job these last 11 months. And I know that I am so blessed to have a job that will allow me to be with my baby boy by 3:30pm and spend entire summers, weekends, and holidays off with him. I also know that Andrew is such a happy guy and loves attention and will earn so much from being with other kids. I am just going to miss him and that's what it comes down to. We will be apart for more hours in just a week then our time together combined these last 11 months. I hope that one day he will be happy to have a Mommy who is a teacher. That's all I want - for Andrew to be happy. So I guess I will do my best to get through the first few days and take it from there....

I can't believe it is August already. I am starting to get anxious/nervous/excited about September. There are going to be so many changes in our lives. Brand new teaching jobs, Andrew starting day care, and me going back to work after being off for an ENTIRE year. YIKES!

Since my last post, I have done a little updating of this blog including the title. Life has changed a lot this past year. In fact, it's probably the biggest change in my entire life. We moved to NJ, both start brand new teaching jobs in the fall, and will have a ONE year old in 3 months. With all of this wonderful change that will hopefully bring our little family closer with more time with each other, I really want to focus on an issue that is constantly on my mind - my weight. I am 30 lbs heavier than I was the day I got married - and I thought I was HUGE then. Tomorrow my journey begins. I am in a "tight" size 16. My small goal for now is that by the time I start teaching on September 4th, I'd like to be back in a size 12. I'm not giving myself a weight goal at this point, but I have tons of size 12 jeans just waiting for me. The ultimate goal is obviously to be in a size 10 by the time I turn 30 on January 12th, 2013. I'm going this route because numbers on a scale are always incredibly disappointing and I'm going to try a new route. Here is the picture that gave me the kick in the ass:

And we're off. . .

So much has happened since my last post that I don't even know where to begin! Andrew is now 7 months and moving on a 10 month level. This means he's crawling, standing, and cruising along anything he can hold onto. It has turned out house into a "Danger Zone"! We now sit in a living room completely surrounded by gates. Sometimes I watch him do his thing and I can't believe that it only feels like yesterday when I could put him on his playmat and go into the kitchen without him moving. I love that he interacts now and can play and even entertain himself. One of the cutest things this week has been his interactions with Marty.

It is not cute, however, when Marty takes cookies from Andrew. Andrew is getting smart and will hold it out over Marty which inevitably leads to me throwing Marty outside. This weekend Andrew was baptized. It was such a wonderful day with family and Andrew's newest "family", Josh & Sarah. He couldn't be luckier to have such amazing people to call his "God"parents

This week we should be getting some exciting news that I can finally make public. I really hope it all works out....until next time.

Love, Love, Love

Andrew has had a pretty eventful couple of days. On Saturday we met up with some of our October Moms and babies in Parkville for a Valentine's party. It is so nice to talk to people who are living in the exact same environment and stages you are! It's also nice to see these babies grow. I look forward to inviting them all to Andrew's 1st birthday party, too!


On Valentine's Day I wasn't expecting much from Pete since he works so late, I figure he'd never find time to shop. But he surprised me with white roses that we can actually plant out front next month, chocolate covered pretzels, and my favorite Ben & Jerry's FroYo!



I made him this masterpiece. haha I got the idea from Pinterest. I think it's a really sweet way to always remember where our journey began.



Today was actually a rough day. Aside from finally getting our tax refund (which is awesome), I woke up with a pounding headache and cold and Andrew seemed to have the same thing. We cuddled in bed for a little while, but he constantly wants to be sitting up these days so we were up and downstairs before the sun came up. He fussed all morning and finally I just took him to Target because that was the only way to get him to sleep. We did, however, score this awesome toy organizer.


I am glad my little man fell asleep after his bath. My plan is to putz around on the computer until 8:30, and then crawl into bed! It's very hard to go to bed before Pete gets home, and I always end up waking when the dog barks when he gets home, so my sleep patterns are pretty ridiculous.

We are currently discussing some new ideas for the Fall. I'll update more on our plans when they are more finalized. Have a great week

Dinosaur tracks...

Today was Andrew's 4 month check up. He is 16 lbs and 26 inches! He is growing just fine and the doctor said he is right where he should be everywhere else. They had to do some bloodwork to figure out why Andrew is growing hair in certain spots already, though. They think he might have some type of testosterone issue, but he said not to lose sleep over it. I will be anxiously awaiting the results though. My little man was so brave. He screamed bloody murder while the nurse was taking his blood, but I held him tight and sang in his ear. He was happy to see his bottle when she was done.



Being a SAHM is wonderful but it also has been difficult because I don't really understand my "purpose" other than Mommy and Wife. I decided to try to get into crafting. My mom was also a crafter and I think it would be a good skill to carry with me for Andrew and his siblings as they grow up. I successfully made 2 pillows, a blanky, and this fabulous dinosaur doll for my little man:



I started thinking about the Fall again and having to return to work. Andrew will start day care. My job is held for me in my old county, but I'd love a job closer to home. The thought of driving through the tunnel daily does not sit well with me. Fingers are crossed for some good news jobwise!

Tomorrow we are meeting the October Moms for a little Valentine's gathering and then Sunday Eleanor and her boyfriend are coming to meet Andrew. We have some busy weekends ahead but I'm looking forward to the warmer weather (althought we haven't had much of a winter!).

Pete was off today to come to the pediatrician. He has started doing the bedtime routine over the weekends. I loved walking in to this tonight: